As of the 4th of March, 2008, I will be heading out from my home in Del Norte, Colorado to Fort Benning, Georgia to train as a United States Army Infantryman. My initial training will last 9 weeks. My AIT (Advanced Individual Training) will last another 5 weeks afterward. I go through one 4 to 5 day period of reception, so altogether, I'll be gone 15 weeks.

My MOS, Infantry, is not a job that was assigned to me. I asked for it. Demanded it, honestly. If I'm going to do this soldier shit, I may as well start from the bottom and work my way up.

So, for the little community that does pay attention to my page or those that know me (I thank and love you all), I bid thee farewell, God bless, and good luck for the next 15 weeks. I'll be back around mid-June or early July.

.. Too bad I can't get any pictures while I'm there..

The winter. The snow. The foggy mornings. The dripping sickles.
It just keeps coming and coming. Thankfully, I'll be going somewhere warmer, soon.
.. Though, I'm not so sure that Ft. Benning, Georgia is the best place to find a vacation spot.

I'm still thinking about her. I always will. Through training, she'll be the only comforting thought on my mind. When graduating, it'll be her that I wish was there the most.

I'm not as hurt anymore. Not as lost. Just flowing with the rest of the year, I guess you could say. Trying to make something of my life at the same time. Smiling and enjoying what little bit of civilian life I have left before the next four months. Who knows, maybe this will all turn out to be something I really needed.. something that I really enjoy.

She'll always be there, though.. in my heart, in my mind.

Even now, as I sit here typing this out with my cup of hot-chocolate-mixed-coffee in hand, the thought of her in my arms at some point is many, many times warmer than this tongue-scorching drink.

The thoughts, like the snowflakes falling in the cold, crisp air, keep coming and coming.

Why is it that when we're hurt by someone we say we love, we want so bad for them to know what they've done.

You love them so much, but when they say it's over.. When all promises made are broken, when all thought truth is revealed as lie, when overflowing heart is crushed and shattered.. you don't know what to think.

Part of you says go on, keep loving her, live each day and don't change.. Another part says that they need to feel this: they need to see and know what they've done to you.

You don't want to, though. And you know it will only make matters worse. You know that you'll regret every word of it after, but you do it anyway. Every bit of self-control you have seems to leave you for a time, and another half jumps out. It doesn't love, it only hurts. You and her. You want to take the words back, but you can't. They're there. You want them to understand, but they can't. It's done.

You become sick. Unreasonable. You don't see the good, just the pain. You want to cry, but the tears only come in the form of more hateful words. You want all the world and all Hell cursed against them. But deep down, you don't. Deep down, you know you're supposed to be the embodiment of true strength to show them you are worth something. Deep down you're crying to love them with everything you are.

But they don't want that.
Your heart is nothing to them anymore.

Or is it?








I don't know.

But I know that each time it gets harder and harder to deal with.
And all you want to do when they say, "I'll always love you.. just not the same as I did.. " is crawl in a hole and die, knowing that you'll never find another her. No one with her personality, qualities, quirks or beauty. She's all that you know you want, and all that you've ever asked for..
.. But never again.

So, God, I beg, make me the soldier I want to be. Help me become the fighter of fighters. And when my training is done, and my aim is true, give me the battlefield and the day where I can decide my life.

If love is not for me, then maybe death will be.

I loved to live for her.

I lived to love her.

I love her so deeply, so much.

Still.

Forever.

Beyond.

Promises made.

I have kept them.

I will keep them.

But once again..
.. Just like that..

.. It's over.

And there's nothing I can do.

I have no control.

No ability to rewind and do better.

Make it better.

I just have to sit back and take it.

Like a gunshot.

But I'm still reaching through the wall.

Through the hole where we both removed the bricks.

Where we gazed at eachother in wonder.

And until I know just what the future brings..

.. I'll never let go.

So, I've kinda returned to this place.. With nothing more than needing a place to host some photos, but feeling like they should be shown, instead of hidden away at a site like Photobucket, or something related.
I was able to buy myself a camera, and I've been enjoying it. It's not top-of-the-line.. but it does the job, I think. It's not that great for people or modeling, but when it comes to scenery, it makes me proud.

So, in a sense, I'm back.. not that anyone cares for that, but I just needed something to say in a journal. Taa-daa!